Lulu and the Enchanted Tutu
by MirandaTam42
Summary: Set in Team starkid's A Very Potter Sequel/Musical universe at the time when Lucius Malfoy and other death eaters are at school. AVPM. AVPS. Crack. Inspired by frecleface's fanfic Fever.


_Lulu and the Enchanted Tutu_

Lucius Malfoy knew dancing for a boy like him looked strange. Thankfully, as a Malfoy, no student dared to harass him for it. This was his sixth year, so most people were so used to it they didn't bat an eye if he walked by wearing a tutu and ballet shoes.

Yep, that's right, ballet. He had always enjoyed dancing as a child, his heart racing as he mastered the art of moving his body to music with almost feminine grace.

His parents had of course been unnerved when they found out his desire to dance but, being Malfoys, decided that even if his talent was something mildly embarrassing he'd better be good at it. They made sure he had as much access to books, music, and most everything he wanted excluding girlier things, like tutus (they had a reputation to maintain after all).

Lucius studied and practiced as much as he could out of those books, but it wasn't the same as having an actual teacher. At last, when he was eleven he could go to Hogwarts and shamelessly take their dance classes they offered.

Now, here he was, sixth year, top ballet student, Slytherin prefect, straight A student, and dating one of the smartest, hottest pureblood girls in the school.

Problem was, said smart, hot, pureblood girl was pissed at him for Wizard God knows what.

Narcissa and he had been getting along just fine, typical teenage PDA and flirting included when BOOM. She wouldn't talk to him, had a permanent sour expression, and he had done nothing wrong. If he didn't know better he'd say she was on her period, but she was usually much nicer, and he was pretty sure her periods didn't last two weeks.

He sighed and changed into his dancing clothes; he had no time to worry about his relationship with Narcissa right now. He'd already wasted five minutes fretting, and in doing so was last to go and grab a tutu from the tutu closet for today's lesson.

Lucius walked over to the closet and to his dismay saw it contained the older, frayed, dirty tutus no one wanted and a bright, sparkling pink one that looked as though no one had ever worn it, for good reason.

A Malfoy must always look dignified and respectable, and rule number one was to always have clean clothes. The only tutu in the closet that was remotely clean was the damn pink one.

Fuck.

Groaning and vowing to never be last to select a tutu again, he slipped it on and walked out into the dance studio, daring someone to laugh. No one did, although a few people (mainly guys) blushed and shuffled their feet. What was up with that? He stood in line feeling awkward and uneasy, just his luck his assigned spot was right in the front row of the class.

Professor Coleman walked into the room and also stared blushing. 'What the hell is going on here?' wondered Lucius. Coleman cleared her throat and said, "Good afternoon class, I, uh, um, well, I have a lesson planned, uh, lemme try and remember what it was, heh heh." She glanced and Lucius and somehow blushed a bit darker than before.

Feeling more uncomfortable by the second Lucius spoke up saying, "Professor Coleman, didn't you say something yesterday about us focusing on balance exercises today?"

"Oh, yes, of course, thank you Lulu."

"Lulu? Only my girlfriend calls me that."

"We can all have our dreams, can't we?"

Beat of silence.

"I need to go and use the bathroom, okay class?" Professor Coleman dashed out of the room and Lucius tried to calm himself down and work on his balance, trying to ignore the fact that Professor Coleman had developed a crush on him overnight.

The entire class period Coleman ignored him and tried to stay away from him as best as she could, to which Lucius had no complaint. The kids who had been blushing seemed to have issues balanced and were promptly either falling over or hopping around on one foot like a flamingo when they tried to get a leg up. Pitiful. Apparently this new lack of balance and awkwardness was caused by his presence, which was incredibly worrying. Had Narcissa been spreading rumors about their love life _again_?

Finally class ended and he went to go and get dressed when one of the girls who had been having problems came up to him. "Hi," she said, with a smile a bit too sweet for Lucius's liking.

"Hi."

"Do you have any plans for tonight?"

"Uh…" He didn't actually have anything to do, normally he'd be with Narcissa, but she was mad at him. Bella was still sore and bitchy about yet another guy breaking up with her, and Yaxley didn't make good company unless if Lucius needed a back up dancer for something. "No, I don't have anything going on, why?"

She moved closer to him, closed and gap between their bodies and said as she wrapped her arms around his neck, "Well, if you're interested, I hear you older Slytherin boys are into one night stands…"

"WHAT?" he blurted out. He stepped away from her and said, "I have a girlfriend, and uh…" He knew there was something about her he was missing and dug in his brain to find that scrap of information he had gotten from Narcissa via her intricate gossip network. Oh, that was it.

"Aren't you a lesbian?"

"I was." She leaned in to try and kiss him or something and he bolted into the men's changing room, hoping she wouldn't follow him. As he slipped out of his tutu and dancing clothes he decided to see what was going on once he got outside. He reluctantly put his tutu in his schoolbag, as he needed to practice tonight.

He walked out and found her still standing there. "So, what's up?"

"What the hell are you doing, trying to flirt with me?" She made a face and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her, as if the past few minutes hadn't happened.

Lucius shrugged it off and made his way to his dorm, girls will be girls. He brainstormed on why a lesbian would start to like him; did he just really need a haircut?

"Slimy, cheating, shallow, pretentious bastards," recited Lucius at the Slytherin common room door. The door swung open to reveal the dim dungeon he'd known as home for six years.

The décor took some getting used to, and the low lighting made doing homework near impossible without ridiculous night vision, but the place had grown close to him. Every part of the castle had something appealing to it, and down here it was the silver and green hues the flickering torches and lanterns gave the otherwise colorless chamber (plain black furniture = depressed people and people sitting on everyone else's black cats). Not to mention the view out into the Black Lake, where everyone could watch the merfolk, grindylow, and other creatures swim by. One time Lucius could've sworn the giant squid had been reading over his shoulder when he was sitting with his back to the window. He hoped the squid could actually read; it could use some of those dance tips.

After stopping to gaze affectionately at the common room, he headed upstairs to his dorm with prayers that no one was up there. Seeing his wish was granted he changed back into his dancing outfit and pulled the sparkly tutu on. He stepped in front of his full length mirror and studied his reflection. Truthfully, the tutu didn't look too bad aside from being a potential cat magnet, but there seemed to be something about it that made people act strange.

Whatever. Lucius sighed and closed his eyes. What mattered right now was clearing his mind and making up for the lost dance time. For him, dancing was almost like meditation. It cleared his mind from the stresses of daily life, bitchy girlfriends, and kept him physically fit and relaxed.

He breathed deeply and stretched his arms and legs, occasionally looking in the mirror to double check his form. As he sank down into a perfect split, Yaxley walked in.

"God you're limber," commented Yaxley.

"Um, thank you. I've been able to do this for years."

"Right yeah." Yaxley got a dreamy look in his eyes which he quickly snapped out of. "Hahaaaaaaaaa, well, goodnight!" He hurriedly jumped into his bed and closed the curtains so fast Lucius was surprised they didn't come flying off.

"Well, goodnight then." Yaxley didn't reply and Lucius figured that he may as well let him be.

Lucius stood up and began going through one of the class's slower dances. He imagined himself back in the classroom, proudly leading the class as they synchronized with one another. He flowed through the motions like he was doing Tai Chi, embracing the graceful serpent within him, upholding the spirit of the Slytherin house-

The spirit of the Slytherin house.

"_Well, if you're interested, I hear you older Slytherin boys are into one night stands…"_

Lucius stopped mid step with his foot still in the air. One night stands were NOT okay. They downgrade any house's social standing, and Lucius would not tolerate his own house being tainted by such cheap debauchery. He knew for a fact that no one in the sixth year dorm was bringing anyone home or that they were missing at night, so it was probably the seventh years. Lucius bolted out of the sixth year dorm and up the stairs into the seventh year boy's dorm.

"Okay everyone!" he shouted. Most people were sitting on their beds and jumped at his arrival. Everyone turned to him and most gave him that odd look, but whatever it was he could ignore it.

Lucius put his hands on the waistband of his tutu and continued, "All of this nonsense must stop; we have a reputation to uphold! Don't look at me like that Macnair, you all know exactly what I'm talking about. Word has got out that the senior Slytherins are a bunch of whores, ready to- um, hello?"

Macnair had walked over to Lucius with a bit of a dazed look. Without warning Macnair threw both of his arms around Lucius's neck and pulled him in for a kiss, startling Lucius so much that he went with it for a few seconds. Some of the other boys headed over and began to do various things to Lucius such as rubbing his legs, fondling his hair, petting pretty much everywhere, and one person started on a hickey on the side of his neck.

Lucius pulled away from Macnair and tried to get out of the group but failed. "Help! HELP! I NEED AN ADULT!" he shouted.

Slughorn appeared at the door and peeked in, "Yes, my Lulu?"

"Fuck! Get out!" Lucius unwillingly let out a bit of a moan as some of the pats reached areas off limits to everyone but Narcissa. He hated to admit it, but he wouldn't have minded this so much if it had been a group of girls; this was plain awkward. Seeing as getting out of the mass of people wasn't going to work, he was about to just take the tutu off when someone did it for him.

The second the tutu hit the floor everyone backed off of Lucius and stared in horror, realizing what they had done.

"So, gentlemen," said Lucius. "I think we can all agree that moving on with our lives and forgetting this ever happened is the best course of action." A few mute nods later and Lucius had snatched the tutu and ran out the door.

Lucius stuffed the tutu away in his book bag once he was back in his dorm. From the soft snores he heard he could tell that Yaxley was asleep, leaving him to think in peace. He tossed his bag on the floor and crawled into bed.

Obviously, that tutu made anyone who wasn't attracted to him very much attracted. Someone had probably bewitched it long ago to pull a prank on some poor soul in the dance class, but Lucius had an idea that would use it to his advantage and possibly get him back in Narcissa's good books. She didn't really have to know what the tutu did.

The day began like any other day. Students woke up, cursed at their clocks, dragged their feet out of bed and down to the Great Hall for breakfast. No one was prepared for what happened next.

Lucius's plan was to go into the Great Hall and perform an elaborate song and dance he'd prepared just for Narcissa. Sure some other students would be aroused but it won't matter, because Narcissa would go from hating him to trying to make love on the table, which was fine by him.

What really happened was that Lucius ran into the Great Hall and had a repeat of the scene in the seventh year dormitory, only on a much larger scale. People from all houses ran over, everyone from towering seventh years to younger students who had obviously not learned to keep their hands to themselves in elementary school. Lucius scanned the crowd that had engulfed him and saw just about everyone he knew except for Narcissa and Bellatrix.

Damn it.

"All right everyone, break it up," chuckled Dumbledore. He waved his wand from the staff table and everyone was thrown back a few feet away from Lucius. Lucius took the opportunity to bolt out of the Great Hall into a nearby bathroom and take off the tutu.

Bellatrix had no idea what just happened and figured it was 'Snog Lucius Malfoy Day'. Eager to have her chance to participate, she jogged out of the Great Hall and met Lucius in the hall as he was coming out of the bathroom.

"Hey Bella, what's up?"

"My turn."

"Huh?"

Bellatrix answered by pressing him against a wall and kissing him like she meant business.

"HEY. GET YOUR OWN BOYFRIEND, BELLA!" shouted Narcissa. Narcissa shoved Bellatrix off of Lucius and drew her wand.

"Oh come on, everyone else was doing it!"

"GO."

"Alright, alright, geez." Bellatrix glared at Narcissa and walked away.

Lucius shuffled his feet and said, "Uh, hi."

"Lucius, what the hell was that out in the Great Hall?"

"Well, I thought it was obvious."

Narcissa sighed and said, "I am aware that it was the most spectacular peacocking this school has ever seen, but I was wondering what you were trying to accomplish."

"Oh. Well, you were, and probably still are, mad at me. I have no idea why, and since that meant you weren't attracted to me I was going to wear the tutu as I performed a special song and dance for you, so in the end we'd be back together. Unfortunately, I managed to get everyone I didn't want all over me."

"So, you really don't know why I was upset at you?"

"Nope, not a clue. We boys are pretty dumb when it comes to figuring out our fuck ups, we aren't very good at reading your mind to find the latest thing we did to piss you off."

Narcissa laughed and said, "Well, alright. I was mad at you because you forgot our two year anniversary."

Lucius blanched and stammered, "Oh shit, God, Narnar, I'm so sorry, two years, the time flew, I forgot to mark the calendar, oh shit, why are you laughing?"

"Because," Narcissa gasped for breath. "That bumblefuck out there was the funniest thing I've seen all month! How can I possibly stay upset at you after that?"

Lucius joined in with the laughing and said, "Yeah, that was among my stupider ways to try and make up with you. But uh, we're good now, right?"

"Right." Narcissa smirked and said, "So, you still have that tutu?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, I was thinking we could use it for something a little bit hot and evil."

"I'm very worried and turned on by that look at the same time."

Narcissa glanced around the hallway to make sure no one was listening and whispered, "Sometime in February you should set up a kissing booth and kiss a bunch of the school, and then put the tutu on and get the others that didn't want it in the first place."

"Narcissa!" Lucius tried to look offended but wound up smirking. "As if we need the gold."

"Could be fun, though."

"Wait, you really wouldn't mind if I did it?"

"Well, only as long as you let me watch your steamy make out sessions with all the boys. Ooh, I could bring a camera and take pictures, think of the blackmail we could pull off!"

"I love you."

"You're still not out of giving me that song and dance, though."

"Fair enough."

**Inspired by the amazing frecleface and her fanfic Fever, with the dance classes and stuff :D**

**This was the most fun I've ever had writing a fanfic. Please review!**


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